Somedays

I woke up this morning and found myself sad and I didn't want to even start my day. I felt my heart heavy and I missed Joe. I guess this helped me to let out some of what I am thinking.

-Some Days-

This voice in my head tells me to keep moving.

My feet can’t leave the ground there planted on.

I want you to be next to me,

Take me back to the days when I could laugh with you.

Life is too short sometimes.

That’s a lesson I’ve learned.

Some day’s happiness is hard to find.

It hides itself between people and places,

They all remind me of you.

Maybe tomorrow will feel better,

I won’t have to depend on anyone.

Today feels like a ton of bricks upon my chest.

Every breath gets harder to take.

I don’t want to make things harder.

But why can’t you be here with me.

I don’t want to say I need you,

But I know I could use your smile.

It’s been gone for quite awhile.

I know we all miss it.

There are photographs that lay around,

You still are always with us.

But some days the pain of losing you,

It’s unbearable.

And it hits me hard.

It takes everything in me not to cry all day long.

I pick myself up and get out of bed,

But everything reminds me of you.

My heart is heavy,

Then I hear a song and it makes me smile.

I can think of you for just awhile.

I can’t let this hurt anymore.

But I will every day,

Cause hurting for you to be here is better than not feeling the loss.

Laughter, Love, and Loss.

I always thought that looking back on moments and times throughout your life you knew than what the great moments were. Maybe you can see those great moments too when you are in them. The truth behind what we remember as a moment that is overwhelmingly great may not always be so evident at first. With time we grow to see that the first time we meet someone can be a great moment. Today is my Dad's birthday, and looking back on this photo of the first time he held his grandson Domani I feel that it indeed was a great moment for him and my Mom. 

There's a lot to say about the expressions captured in this picture. The pure joy and love that was and always will surround young Domani. I cherish the pictures of Domani when he was a baby and now as he grows older and is becoming quite the character. He is indeed a little version of Joe. I know someday Domani will ask about stories of him and his father and although there aren't many, there are great ones. I don't think there could be a story told of Joe that isn't in some way great. I only hope that when Domani looks back on pictures of his father he too can share in great memories like I do when I see pictures of me and my Dad.

Last year we celebrated Dad's 60th birthday in NYC with the family. We started our day off at my parents' house in Monmouth Junction and gave Dad and everyone a shirt to wear for the day. Being his 60th birthday I thought it would be special and also very adorable if we all matched (even the kiddos). I knew the shirt had to be somewhat clever and also awesome. The front says "old as dirt" in Latin and the back read "A Dlucks 60th birthday. We spent the day enjoying the city and were able to see the tree lit up, we than enjoyed lunch at Olive Garden where this picture was taken before we left. It's memories like this one that help me to realize that on that day I knew it was a great memory that we were creating. It was great because it was special and I was able to share it with the people I love most in the world. We topped off our day with cake back at my parents house with all of our extended family and played the game "hot or cold" for Dad's final gift of the day which was a flat screen TV. 

I find in life that there are too many moments that stick with you forever. In some cases those moments are tragic and ones you may actually want to forget. Some moments are sad but you wouldn't want to forget them for the world. I carry with me everyday the last time I saw my brother Joe. The last time I said goodbye to him. The last time that he laughed with me. Those moments I would never want to lose. They are ones that I keep as close to my heart as the moment I found I was going to be an Aunt. The moment when for months I called my nephew Jorge to only bug my sister that he may someday grow up to be a Yankees fan (although he is still sadly a Met's fan). There are lots of moments I hold close to my heart and will never forget that happened. 

It has become really noticeable to me that my heart is full of more emotions, stories, and memories than I can even keep track of. There are moments going all the way back to when I was nine that I can vividly remember and tell in great detail still to the age of twenty four. Maybe I hold closest to my heart all the moments that have changed who I am. In some way each of these moments are ones that have altered me, either good or bad. I wouldn't change any of them if I could. I really miss the people I have lost along this journey of life. But maybe they had to leave in order for me to grow to be the person I am. For me to express the different emotions that I find in rare scenarios in life, emotions I didn't know sometimes that I even carried with me. Soft spots on certain issues where I find myself at a loss for words. 

Sometimes it feels like the world stops moving on me. It feels heavy and dark. I find myself thinking of the past few years and how difficult they have been with loss in my family. Not only the loss of loved ones but the loss of my childhood home, the loss of my brother Joe, the loss of my childhood pet, loss after loss, and now the loss of my grandpa, and the loss of the home he lived in most of his life. The loss is greater than I had expected. I want some days to pretend like I have lost nothing. To feel that all the weight and pain that accompanies loss has been lifted. I want to feel weightless in the world of pain.

I know I'm not quite ready for Christmas to arrive. It won't be the same without my Grandpa sitting in the corner always surprised that someone is giving him a gift. It won't be the same now that I don't have to think long and hard on what to get him that he would actually enjoy. Usually I always ended on some kind of favorite treat that he liked. I am not prepared for the empty seat at the table and the fact that we won't be at his house. But Christmas is coming either way. There is no way to possibly always be prepared in life. Sometimes you have to jump feet first no matter how scary it seems. Sometimes the outcome of being fearless pays off. I hope that the pieces I feel are missing fall into place. 

Today I remember the losses in life, the joy, the laughter, the pain, all of the struggles: And I keep my head held high above them all, because on days like this you can't be afraid to fall. 

When you're gone....

Today two years ago I lost my brother, This is what I remember and how I feel about the day of his funeral.  

Everyone is silent,

There waiting for me to speak.

The darkness is surrounding.

It gets hard to breathe.

The tears cornered in my eye,

Well they begin to fall.

I heard words,

Did they come from my mouth?

My hands are shaking,

This isn't real.

"It's not okay",

From the room I hear.

I think that was me,

The voice that spoke.

People are staring,

All eyes are on me.

"It's not okay",

I sobbed into the microphone.

Maybe I was just standing close enough.

I can't really remember that detail.

Standing there, wearing black.

I just want to go back,

To where I was just sitting.

The front row seat,

For the memory of the last time-

You were ever in church.

My eyes began to swell,

A tear hit my journal.

-I can't do this, get me out of here-

I thought to myself.

The time didn't move,

Nothing happened.

I wanted to flee,

But I couldn't move my feet.

My sister Anne's arms are around me.

When did this happen,

How am I still here?

I just want this to be over.

My head is hurting now.

Somehow I'm back in my seat.

I can hear my poem being read.

The service keeps going.

They are ready for you now.

Time to take you for one last ride.

I am walking behind you,

Slowly pacing my steps.

My feet are hurting now.

I can't cry,

I need to stay strong.

I know Anne needs a strong shoulder to lean on.

Pull it together,

Until you're alone.

Wait until you get home.

The drive is so long.

Do I dare say a word?

Talk about you?

Talk about the weather?

I grasped to my purse.

Clenching my fist around it.

A tissue in my other hand.

They walked us in and there you were.

Surrounded by flowers,

And everyone you loved.

It's hard not to cry now.

I won't ever see you again.

I don't want to leave.

Someone will have to pull me away.

I won't let you go,

I'm not ready to let you go.

I don't want to go anywhere,

I'll sit here all day.

The time has come now.

Everyone is saying goodbye.

They start in the back,

I watched everyone say goodbye.

I don't want to leave.

I don't want to cry.

I just want you to appear,

Right by Anne's side.

This can't be happening.

It isn't real.

Fresh air never felt so bitter.

It felt so wrong.

That I was able to take another breath,

And you were just gone.

I can't remember anything after that.

Maybe there was a lot going on,

But my mind was stuck.

Stuck on you.

Like maybe it was all a nightmare.

But it wasn't,

I woke up and the world kept turning.

All I know is that I miss you.

Every day you're in my heart.

I am thankful for....

I am always going to be thankful for a lot of things in life. There were many instances that changed who I am as a person and for all of those I am thankful for. I am especially thankful for one thing that if I had not have been given this chance in my life I would have been deeply saddened and changed undoubtedly.

Two years ago my brother, Joe, was suffering from colon cancer. It was an on going battle that changed me and the way I view everything in life. In August of 2011 I spent my last vacation with Joe. We spent a week down in Long Beach Island, NJ at a lovely beach house. We went to fantasy island where Joe on little Domani toys from the crane machines. He tried and tried to get those stupid things out for a long time before he finally won something for Domani. But he didn't give up although I'm sure it was bought for 10 times more than the toy was worth. It was a special moment. We all enjoyed dinner at a nice restaurant where we took up a huge table to fit all of us. We shared laughs and even had some drinks. It was the perfect vacation.

Than the vacation ended and I came home to Idaho. At the time the thought of seeing Joe at Christmas didn't even cross my mind as something that wasn't a possibility. He was doing fine, he'd be there. Well as most of us know life isn't always what we expect it to be. Things can change in the blink of an eye and flip our whole world upside down. As the weeks went by Joe's condition changed and he wasn't getting better or even staying in the same health condition. It was getting close to Thanksgiving and I was frequently either on the phone or skyping with my sister and family to figure out some plans for me to be able to come home. I didn't want to come home only after he had passed away. And we were at the point where a decision had to be made soon. My sister Anne  wanted me to be there for Thanksgiving. We wanted to spend one last day as a family and truly know what we were grateful for, Joe.

As we were quickly figuring out details for me to get on a plane and make it to New Jersey around my work schedule here and get something booked that didn't cost a large fortune a little less than a miracle happened. My sister Anne (Joe's wife) was overwhelmed to say the least, discussing things with people at work and family and finding comfort from both. This miracle was not just an act of something so selfless, but a person who I will forever be thankful for.

Anne called me one day leading up to Thanksgiving and said she had been talking with one of her co-workers who was offering to buy my ticket home. She was aware of the situation and didn't want me to miss out on spending time with my family and brother. I was shocked. Filled with so many thankful emotions I could not express how relieved I was to be going home.

I am extremely thankful for someone who could be so selfless and understand how important this was for our family, my sister, and for myself.

I came up with a plan and shared it with Anne. If I am already coming home why not hold out on telling everyone until Thanksgiving day when they come over to her house for lunch. As hard as it was we waited and no spoiler was given. Anne picked me up from the airport the night before Thanksgiving and I spent the night with her and Joe just us. It was needless to say some perfect alone time. We just did regular things, we watched TV and hung out watching Domani play and get into trouble around the house.

The next day as we awoke and eagerly anticipated the surprised look on everyone's faces as I came upstairs from the basement to surprise them I could barely wait any longer! Finally everyone arrived and I waited for just the right time to come upstairs. I slowly opened the door to find my Dad standing by the sink and my sister Karen standing in front of the stove in the kitchen. My Dad must have heard me take a step up onto the hardwood floor because he turned around and so did my sister. I hugged my Dad and than my sister as I made my way into the living room. My Mom had her back turned to me so I slowly tapped her on the shoulder and she was more in shock than any of my family had been we cried in each others arms as my brother Chris and Anne joined in on the hug.

I was in that moment the most thankful I have been in my entire life. Still to this day if you ask me what I am most thankful for it is for being able to spend Joe's last thanksgiving with him and my family.

I'll leave you with this..

Be thankful not for what you have in life but for who you have. There may come a day when you lose people you care about and on that day you can reminisce of the days you did have with them. It is about the ones you love and the moments you create to share with them. Take a step back this Thanksgiving and really remember what you are thankful for.

Hello, this is me. Take it or leave it. Don't push me around and knock me down.

I always thought once I was done middle school things would be easier. Than I got to high school and altough it was better than my previous experience with public schools it was still not what I quite wanted. People were nicer but I also had to hide a huge part of who I am.

Stage one: Middle School.

When I first started middle school it was supposed to be really awesome finally got to take the bus to school and make real friends that werent all kids who lived in the same neighborhood as you. They had sports teams and lockers and different teachers. It was supposed to be this huge change that would be great. (or so I thought) It was a mini hell like experience. The amount of curse words I learned that first year of middle school is unrealistic. I don't think going through life I have learned a new one yet. There were some cool people along the way I had the same group of friends for all 3 years at that school. And some of whom I still talk to and I am now about to be 23.

Than there was the bullying. It started right when I got to middle school. I grew up with two great parents who didn't care that I wanted to dress like a boy or play in the dirt. I tried to learn how to skateboard and always preferred sneakers and sweats over any sort of tight jeans and carrying a purse. I want to say somewhat my parents knew I was different than all the other girls but I'm not them. I don't know how they thought of me as a child or now, I just know that they never judged. They accepted little Naomi for whatever she wanted to do and who I was. They did their roll as a parent and led me down the path of making the right choices. (for the most part...sorry mom and dad). ANYWAY back to the bullying... I had two main bullies in middle school. As these girls picked on me for what I wore, I grew less confident of dressing how I wanted. After all who wants to wake up and go to school everyday only to be laughed at and called a dike. probably no one. By 7th grade I had already been bullied somewhat for a year, and it didn't let up.. I felt like there was nothing I could do and I turned to what I see now that many young teens turn to. Self mutilation. It wasn't as though I wanted to kill myself but I wanted to feel something other than someones disgust upon who I am. I would cry and cut and cry some more. For me it was never about cutting deep or trying to hit a vein. It was simply a cry for help. (please don't feel like you should have noticed this. as I have always hid things in my life that I don't want people to know.)

How I cured the bully. Something changed me the summer before 8th grade started. The first day of that year I wore tight jeans and carried a purse. I put on my girl close every day for that entire year. I was tired of being bullyed. I joined the soccer team to make some actual friends, and I did. I started really talking about boys and liking boys although I knew that I was more atrracted to girls since I was in 3rd or so grade. This was my way of saying to those bullies you have no reason to pick on me. You won't ever make me scared of coming to school. You wont ever make me fake being sick so I don't have to be picked on again. I was done.

My 8th grade year of middle school was great. I had awesome friends and have great memories with them from that year.

Stage two: High School

When I was a freshmen I had one friend who was openly a lesbian and honestly I couldn't imagine having been at that point. So I dated guys and in the long run I broke someones heart that I wish hadn't happened. In return I got my heart broken by my bestfriend at the time who I had over time developed some feelings for. And to this day I don't know the reason behind her not being my friend one day and never talking to me again. I never told her how I felt or ever indicated otherwise. The only thing I can ever think to make of it all is that she maybe felt the same and it freaked her out so she stopped talking to me. I mean who WANTS to be gay if they can avoid it forever in life. Things are just easier that way.

I played the straight girl roll all through highschool. I never once lead any one to believe otherwise because the bullying would lead to be too much for me to handle mentally.

When i was a senior and about to graduate I met a girl who I thought I could actually have a relationship with. She eventually ended up being my first girlfriend. I'd say I could talk about this relationship but mentally and emotionally I can't begin to explain it. It's over now and I still get feelings once in a while of what if... But those are wasted feelings because what if is long gone on that relationship.
I have been played a fool at this point with her. And I can only honestly wish her the best in life and in love.


Stage three: Life after highschool.

Coming out to your family and friends is never an easy thing. Actually its probably one of those things where you would rather die than do it, but thats not an option so hopefully some way they already know. Which in my case that was the case.

I really am lucky to have the family that I do, and there understanding. It makes my relationships a lot easier knowing that I have their support.

I know there are people out there who don't have that same support on who they love and for those people I only wish that you could feel the love you deserve for being you. There isn't anything wrong with you. Theres something wrong with them. Be happy. Love always. and live in the moments you create with the ones you love because those are the moments that you will be the happiest.


I never thought it was possible to have your heart broken by the same person twice but trust me it is. It completely sucks and I wouldn't wish it for anyone, Ever.


I guess the whole beginning of this post really has no regard to why I wanted to write, but everything just started flowing from my aching heart through my fingers to this post and there you have it.

life just isn't easy, it can be, but the majority of life is through relationships and those are definitely not easy. I think growing up the lack of relationships for me really made me the way I am today. I don't know why but I have never been able to make and keep friends. And I try to assure myself that it isn't entirely on my part. that maybe people are just all messed up like me inside and thats why nothing ever works out the way it should. Maybe. Or maybe im so disturbed and weird that people run off after getting to know me. That I may not ever know. But what I do know is there are some peopl out there who are like me, they dont make real friends easily. Or in my case even acquaintances easily. i don't know what it is and honestly I'm okay with that. All I really ever ask is for a few things in relationships. Not to be lied to. To be honest completely. To be up front. Not to hide anything. To be yourself. (after all I am being me). To always do what makes you happy.

In return i try to give the same in my relationships.


Tonight was rough  for me and now I can sleep a little better because I've gotten even a few things off my chest.

The toll of cancer

There is a lot to say about the fight of cancer. Most of it comes in thoughts and tears rather than words; because it is in times too difficult for any of us to feel in those darkest moments.

I feel that those who battle cancer and survive are extremely strong people. They have experienced something so scary and unimaginable to everyone else. I commend them for being able to persevere through that battle.

Than there are those who give that battle 110% of all they have and come out on the losing end. The words "it's in an advanced stage" or "there's nothing left that we can do" are crushing words that no one should ever have to hear. In that short or long time that you can live with cancer you make the most of it. Everyday you spend surrounded by those you love, reminiscing about the past and building memories for your surrounded loved ones in the future.

I know as humans it is hard to live through that time period as the loved one. Only ever really hoping for a tomorrow. But as we all know that is not always guaranteed.

I guess some of you may be wondering what the reason begin me writing this is and as I am not going to tell the whole world just know that it is in dedication.

To those I know who have survived and passed away from cancer.

JD, KF, KG, SR, GS, and all the other people that I cannot think of right now.

It's been a year

I just want to see you,
And feel one more embrace.
The tears just fall so freely with no one in your place.
I need some reassurance,
Someone to guide my way.
My heart hasn't beat steadily
Since the day you went away.
People try and tell me,
Any words to calm me down.
But there's no point in trying,
All I want is you to be around.
They say its best to remember
All the times we ever shared.
And glimpse back at pictures,
When nothing else seems to help.
There's an aching in my heart
And a missing piece where you once were.
It's hard to believe a year has passed,
Since the music sang and the words read we're put into a memory of you.
I still sit in that church and feel that day happen over again.
I can picture it so clearly and feel all of the same emotions.
And I slip into a trance,
My hands are shaking and my heart is racing,
As a waterfall traces over my face.
I hear the words "it's not okay",
Not realizing they came from my own lips.
And your gone,
An angel above us.
A lost soul among us.
You pop up at all the right times,
Your subtleties reminding us you will always be there.