when things go awry, we don't have to say goodbye.

Someone really wise told me to be aware that anything I post on here people will read and may send me concerned texts to see if I am okay. Well text away because how I see it I only live once. So I'm going to say what I want to say when I feel the time is right. And if that something I say is negative and you become worried than worry. But I assure you that nothing will ever need you to worry unless I am saying it directly to you, not the entire world. I have a speeding mind. One minute I can be depressed and the next I am going for a run or having a snack. The fresh air lately has been incredible. I remember on my beyond trip my head was always clear. I don't think many of you probably have experienced such clarity. Maybe some of the older readers ( =D) but besides the point. This clarity was like no other. I felt free and ready to take on the world. My newest goal is to go on hikes. Because it clears my head and sould and makes me feel free. There is a lot going on in my life right now. And it is overwhelming to say the least. But I have not fallen off the path I know I'm supposed to be headed down. It takes a lot for me to not have at least one moment of being depressed in a day. They are always around. I have a lot in my life that is sad and hard to deal with. I just have my moment and move on to the next thing. Some days are easier and some harder but I just don't stop. At least I'm trying not to. It's hard to manage and pull myself out of a rut. I don't really have any friends so talking to someone or just getting a good laugh from a friend isn't necessarily an option for me. I've always had problems when it comes to my relationships with other people and I know now that it is something I can't keep avoiding and need to put some work into. There are a lot of things I may not be able to control but this is probably one of them. I want to better the way I live for me. I have ruined more relationships than i can count. Well about 5. I'm tired of losing people I love. I don't want it to happen anymore. I'm not sure I can emotionally take being the reason I lose someone I love anymore. I am selfish and as much as I think that I am doing what's best for someone else it honestly is always what I subconsciously feel is best for me. I fall in love too easily. And leave myself open for heartbreak even more easily. I need to spend a while being alone and being single. As much as I would much rather have someone I can depend on no matter what I think this is my main problem. I don't have to face things when I am depending on another person for most of my needs. I can be lazy and slack off. And before I knew it I was in the same damaged spot I had already been in. And the only way out was through my heart. I have a lot of love to give and I hope someday I can give it to the one person I want to. But for now I can only hope. Theres a chance either way. I don't think anyone can know when love will strike or when a relationship will work or won't. I think there is an element of fate in life. And right now I'm putting all of my hope on fate. Because when you love someone the way I love her you basically willing to do anything to make it work. And I'm stepping back and looking at the big picture and how I interact in relationships is just not okay.

no logical reasoning...

Somedays I can really not understand how things can suck and then you realize what sucks in your own life isn't nearly as bad as what sucks in someone else's and as much as you want to feel shitty for a while it's impossible when you know that your low points don't compare to those of others'. most days at least some point in the day i can with out a doubt find myself not wanting to actually do anything and to just be on the low side of things. but then i get hit with some obvious problems that are just way worse than anything i am going through right now. there isn't much that i can do to change anything that is happening around me or to other people although it sucks watching someone you love and care about struggle everyday with something they have absolutely no control over. i don't quite understand why things in the world have to be so messed up. its like everything comes crashing down all at once and the world that you knew and the life that you were living is ripped right out from under your feet and your just numb. thats the feeling i see when i look around me. numbness that just creeps up on you and knocks you over repeatedly until you just stop fighting back because so much crap has happened to you that you don't even want to move forward. but what i don't get is why this repeated pain happens to the good people. the people who don't deserve it at all. it makes no sense by any means. can any one explain that one to me?

this IS how a heart breaks.

I have a problem. It's rather big. I like to judge people on everything. How smart they are, how they look, what interests them, and the choices they make. But why do I judge people when I don't want to be judged myself. Ever since I was in middle school I was bullied and judged and emotionally torn to pieces by my peers. It's not okay to do these things by any means. At a young age we come into contact with horrid things that should not be discovered until a much later age. And the things we undergo change who we become. When I was in middle school I experienced more bad things then I have since leaving middle school. I wish I could have had a better experience but that was my journey. When I was in 6th grade I got bullied by the popular girls in my grade because of the way I dressed. I was a tom boy ever since I was really little. I played soccer and loved to play outside and be dirty. They made fun of me. They called me names. They made me an outcast. Luckily not everyone is as cruel as those kids were. My group of friends didn't care that I dressed the way I did, they liked me for who I was not who I appeared to be. Never had I heard a curse word until I entered into middle school and suddenly a whole slew of them came at me at once. The ones that hurt the most still stick with me til this day. I don't think it's even necessary to repeat the because I'm sure by the above we all can imagine what the words were. I came back for my 7th grade year of school and the same things happened. Throughout that first year some of my best friends from where I lived became popular and moved on. No longer really associating with me during school. I was still bullied by the same people and just kept pushing through. That summer I decided I was tired of being bullied and being accused of being different in a bad way when I knew it wasn't in a bad way. I was tormented emotionally and I was tired of it. When I came back for my 8th grade year I changed the way I dressed. I started wearing tight jeans and cute shirts and carried a purse. I still had the same friends but people stopped picking on me and looking at me like I was an outcast. I joined the soccer team and was trying to be more "normal". The bullying changed me. And I'm not saying I'm angry that it did. But who's to say that I had to change for them. But thats how it happened. Throughout my 8th grade year I had some great friends and some great memories. My best friend wasn't so lucky. Infact til this day I don't really know what all was going on but I noticed her arms were covered in scars all the time. And I asked her about it because as I was young I was no idiot to what was going on. She told me that she had tried to kill herself and was cutting and I just didn't know what to do. There was a lot of things that could of happened. And as it played out I still talk to her today and see how she is doing. Theres just a lot about middle school that I hated but the friends I made that were my real friends stayed with me through high school. We were all different in our own way and thats what brought us to be close together. Some how I made it through that and now I am finding myself at the point where I judge people and am that cruel person. And it's killing me inside. I don't know how I got to that point. I feel like I am partially that person I grew up hating for being so mean to me. I need to fix this. I don't want to be the person that makes someone elses life miserable. I don't want to be the reason someone feels like an outcast. My goal is to try and resolve this and be able to know that I can breathe again. This has been literally suffocating me and I need to break free from it.

On another note. I think I have lost my mind. I'm trying to stay calm and not freak out over everything but my patience is really thin lately and my heart races and i get stressed and really anxious about things. I don't know what is really going on any more and i am finding it hard to focus. Nothing seems to be going the way I thought or saw it going. It's just chaotic.