I always thought that looking back on moments and times throughout your life you knew than what the great moments were. Maybe you can see those great moments too when you are in them. The truth behind what we remember as a moment that is overwhelmingly great may not always be so evident at first. With time we grow to see that the first time we meet someone can be a great moment. Today is my Dad's birthday, and looking back on this photo of the first time he held his grandson Domani I feel that it indeed was a great moment for him and my Mom.
There's a lot to say about the expressions captured in this picture. The pure joy and love that was and always will surround young Domani. I cherish the pictures of Domani when he was a baby and now as he grows older and is becoming quite the character. He is indeed a little version of Joe. I know someday Domani will ask about stories of him and his father and although there aren't many, there are great ones. I don't think there could be a story told of Joe that isn't in some way great. I only hope that when Domani looks back on pictures of his father he too can share in great memories like I do when I see pictures of me and my Dad.
Last year we celebrated Dad's 60th birthday in NYC with the family. We started our day off at my parents' house in Monmouth Junction and gave Dad and everyone a shirt to wear for the day. Being his 60th birthday I thought it would be special and also very adorable if we all matched (even the kiddos). I knew the shirt had to be somewhat clever and also awesome. The front says "old as dirt" in Latin and the back read "A Dlucks 60th birthday. We spent the day enjoying the city and were able to see the tree lit up, we than enjoyed lunch at Olive Garden where this picture was taken before we left. It's memories like this one that help me to realize that on that day I knew it was a great memory that we were creating. It was great because it was special and I was able to share it with the people I love most in the world. We topped off our day with cake back at my parents house with all of our extended family and played the game "hot or cold" for Dad's final gift of the day which was a flat screen TV.
I find in life that there are too many moments that stick with you forever. In some cases those moments are tragic and ones you may actually want to forget. Some moments are sad but you wouldn't want to forget them for the world. I carry with me everyday the last time I saw my brother Joe. The last time I said goodbye to him. The last time that he laughed with me. Those moments I would never want to lose. They are ones that I keep as close to my heart as the moment I found I was going to be an Aunt. The moment when for months I called my nephew Jorge to only bug my sister that he may someday grow up to be a Yankees fan (although he is still sadly a Met's fan). There are lots of moments I hold close to my heart and will never forget that happened.
It has become really noticeable to me that my heart is full of more emotions, stories, and memories than I can even keep track of. There are moments going all the way back to when I was nine that I can vividly remember and tell in great detail still to the age of twenty four. Maybe I hold closest to my heart all the moments that have changed who I am. In some way each of these moments are ones that have altered me, either good or bad. I wouldn't change any of them if I could. I really miss the people I have lost along this journey of life. But maybe they had to leave in order for me to grow to be the person I am. For me to express the different emotions that I find in rare scenarios in life, emotions I didn't know sometimes that I even carried with me. Soft spots on certain issues where I find myself at a loss for words.
Sometimes it feels like the world stops moving on me. It feels heavy and dark. I find myself thinking of the past few years and how difficult they have been with loss in my family. Not only the loss of loved ones but the loss of my childhood home, the loss of my brother Joe, the loss of my childhood pet, loss after loss, and now the loss of my grandpa, and the loss of the home he lived in most of his life. The loss is greater than I had expected. I want some days to pretend like I have lost nothing. To feel that all the weight and pain that accompanies loss has been lifted. I want to feel weightless in the world of pain.
I know I'm not quite ready for Christmas to arrive. It won't be the same without my Grandpa sitting in the corner always surprised that someone is giving him a gift. It won't be the same now that I don't have to think long and hard on what to get him that he would actually enjoy. Usually I always ended on some kind of favorite treat that he liked. I am not prepared for the empty seat at the table and the fact that we won't be at his house. But Christmas is coming either way. There is no way to possibly always be prepared in life. Sometimes you have to jump feet first no matter how scary it seems. Sometimes the outcome of being fearless pays off. I hope that the pieces I feel are missing fall into place.
Today I remember the losses in life, the joy, the laughter, the pain, all of the struggles: And I keep my head held high above them all, because on days like this you can't be afraid to fall.
