When you're gone....

Today two years ago I lost my brother, This is what I remember and how I feel about the day of his funeral.  

Everyone is silent,

There waiting for me to speak.

The darkness is surrounding.

It gets hard to breathe.

The tears cornered in my eye,

Well they begin to fall.

I heard words,

Did they come from my mouth?

My hands are shaking,

This isn't real.

"It's not okay",

From the room I hear.

I think that was me,

The voice that spoke.

People are staring,

All eyes are on me.

"It's not okay",

I sobbed into the microphone.

Maybe I was just standing close enough.

I can't really remember that detail.

Standing there, wearing black.

I just want to go back,

To where I was just sitting.

The front row seat,

For the memory of the last time-

You were ever in church.

My eyes began to swell,

A tear hit my journal.

-I can't do this, get me out of here-

I thought to myself.

The time didn't move,

Nothing happened.

I wanted to flee,

But I couldn't move my feet.

My sister Anne's arms are around me.

When did this happen,

How am I still here?

I just want this to be over.

My head is hurting now.

Somehow I'm back in my seat.

I can hear my poem being read.

The service keeps going.

They are ready for you now.

Time to take you for one last ride.

I am walking behind you,

Slowly pacing my steps.

My feet are hurting now.

I can't cry,

I need to stay strong.

I know Anne needs a strong shoulder to lean on.

Pull it together,

Until you're alone.

Wait until you get home.

The drive is so long.

Do I dare say a word?

Talk about you?

Talk about the weather?

I grasped to my purse.

Clenching my fist around it.

A tissue in my other hand.

They walked us in and there you were.

Surrounded by flowers,

And everyone you loved.

It's hard not to cry now.

I won't ever see you again.

I don't want to leave.

Someone will have to pull me away.

I won't let you go,

I'm not ready to let you go.

I don't want to go anywhere,

I'll sit here all day.

The time has come now.

Everyone is saying goodbye.

They start in the back,

I watched everyone say goodbye.

I don't want to leave.

I don't want to cry.

I just want you to appear,

Right by Anne's side.

This can't be happening.

It isn't real.

Fresh air never felt so bitter.

It felt so wrong.

That I was able to take another breath,

And you were just gone.

I can't remember anything after that.

Maybe there was a lot going on,

But my mind was stuck.

Stuck on you.

Like maybe it was all a nightmare.

But it wasn't,

I woke up and the world kept turning.

All I know is that I miss you.

Every day you're in my heart.