When death tolls...

I'm not sure at all why things happen the way they do. I don't know how to deal with losing someone you love and I don't ever want to deal with it. But it keeps creeping back up to me and hitting me hard. I wish I had control over the bad things that happen in life and could just skip over those parts and be happy all the time and enjoy every part of life but things can't be so simple. They won't ever just be easy. I do just want to run away from it all but theres no where to run from this that won't remind me of how much pain i'm in and how badly I just want to sob into a pillow better into someones arms and cry all day long. My heart literally throbs the majority of the time and when its quite I get to thinking and I cry until my eyes are sore and salty from all the tears and I can't breathe along with that. I never in my life really had any idea how bad losing someone hurts. But now two times into it these past 4 months and I know  my heart cant take anymore this year. I want to believe that there are reasons for death and I am not sure there are anymore. Death is ugly. It is hard to deal with. It is depressing. And on top of everything it is lonely. I can't be alone without bursting into tears and it's so painful I just constantly have to be doing something. I'm sleep deprived. I can't stay awake and I can't sleep when I'm home in my own house unless its so late I just can't stay awake anymore. I get up early to start my day and avoid being at home for the duration until I am ready for sleep again. Today I fell asleep in a counseling office while waiting for a friend and just passed out for a good 20 minutes because it was quite and calming and somewhere I was unfamiliar with. There were no thoughts in my head about death or loss or heartache. It was just still. A calm came through my body as the filter of the 30 gallon fish take buzzed away and the person sitting two seats away from me typed on their laptop. It was a soothing environment, one I hope to regain in my own home where I can feel relaxed as opposed to on edge. I feel as though a huge piece of my heart is missing lately and I want to be okay with that and know that it is for the better. But I constantly ask myself how is this for the better? How can any part of death be for the better? I don't know the answer or if there even is one. But I do know I havn't really felt a pain this great before and maybe it's because I run away from death. This time I can't just run away from its reality. It constantly is surrounding me and I find it extremely hard to live normal. My normal was ripped away and I'm not sure how to find it again.

controlling happiness

Things lately have been day by day. One day crazy and the next mellow. I am slowly getting into a routine and need to actually put one foot forward and start working out again and get ready for the 5K I'm running at the end of April. I have been thinking a lot lately about life in general and a lot of confusion has surrounded me. I guess the lesson I have learned is that things can't always work out how you want them too. Life is not all up to me. I can't make the choice of having whatever I want I can only wish that I have those things and if they work out then maybe it was meant to be. There are a lot of things I wish I could hold onto forever in life and I know some of them I will and some I most likely will not. I am slowly figuring out that I want a lot more then I need in life. And I think lately it has been slowin me down. It isn't easy to let go of what you want in life and give up something you know is good, but sometimes it has to be done for other opportunities to evolve. There are so many things that I don't know yet about my future. And so many people that are not even in my life yet that could have a great impact on it. It's crazy to think that there are so many things to look forward to if you really think about the future. I have realized that my past has been blinding me recently. It has been blocking my judgement and the way I am seeing things. I am ever so slowly trying to move forward from my past although pieces of it will always remain with me, dwelling on those pieces is keeping me from enjoying my life to the fullest. I want to live my life for me for a change and I don't know if I am sure I know how to do that anymore. I have been living my life for other people for so long that I have to dig deep within my past to see what I can change to make myself happy by myself.



Song:

i just wanna run-  the downtown fiction

"Like a game of chess
I predict your move
I think I know you better
Better than you do
I'm sick of feeling cheap
Cheated and abused
Sick of losing sleep
Thinking about you

I'm feelin' like I keep on talking
I'm repeating
Myself, my words lost all meaning
I keep talking
I repeat myself___

I just wanna run, hide it away
Run because they're chasing me down
I just wanna run, throw it away
Run before they're finding me out
I just wanna run"