When death tolls...

I'm not sure at all why things happen the way they do. I don't know how to deal with losing someone you love and I don't ever want to deal with it. But it keeps creeping back up to me and hitting me hard. I wish I had control over the bad things that happen in life and could just skip over those parts and be happy all the time and enjoy every part of life but things can't be so simple. They won't ever just be easy. I do just want to run away from it all but theres no where to run from this that won't remind me of how much pain i'm in and how badly I just want to sob into a pillow better into someones arms and cry all day long. My heart literally throbs the majority of the time and when its quite I get to thinking and I cry until my eyes are sore and salty from all the tears and I can't breathe along with that. I never in my life really had any idea how bad losing someone hurts. But now two times into it these past 4 months and I know  my heart cant take anymore this year. I want to believe that there are reasons for death and I am not sure there are anymore. Death is ugly. It is hard to deal with. It is depressing. And on top of everything it is lonely. I can't be alone without bursting into tears and it's so painful I just constantly have to be doing something. I'm sleep deprived. I can't stay awake and I can't sleep when I'm home in my own house unless its so late I just can't stay awake anymore. I get up early to start my day and avoid being at home for the duration until I am ready for sleep again. Today I fell asleep in a counseling office while waiting for a friend and just passed out for a good 20 minutes because it was quite and calming and somewhere I was unfamiliar with. There were no thoughts in my head about death or loss or heartache. It was just still. A calm came through my body as the filter of the 30 gallon fish take buzzed away and the person sitting two seats away from me typed on their laptop. It was a soothing environment, one I hope to regain in my own home where I can feel relaxed as opposed to on edge. I feel as though a huge piece of my heart is missing lately and I want to be okay with that and know that it is for the better. But I constantly ask myself how is this for the better? How can any part of death be for the better? I don't know the answer or if there even is one. But I do know I havn't really felt a pain this great before and maybe it's because I run away from death. This time I can't just run away from its reality. It constantly is surrounding me and I find it extremely hard to live normal. My normal was ripped away and I'm not sure how to find it again.