when things go awry, we don't have to say goodbye.

Someone really wise told me to be aware that anything I post on here people will read and may send me concerned texts to see if I am okay. Well text away because how I see it I only live once. So I'm going to say what I want to say when I feel the time is right. And if that something I say is negative and you become worried than worry. But I assure you that nothing will ever need you to worry unless I am saying it directly to you, not the entire world. I have a speeding mind. One minute I can be depressed and the next I am going for a run or having a snack. The fresh air lately has been incredible. I remember on my beyond trip my head was always clear. I don't think many of you probably have experienced such clarity. Maybe some of the older readers ( =D) but besides the point. This clarity was like no other. I felt free and ready to take on the world. My newest goal is to go on hikes. Because it clears my head and sould and makes me feel free. There is a lot going on in my life right now. And it is overwhelming to say the least. But I have not fallen off the path I know I'm supposed to be headed down. It takes a lot for me to not have at least one moment of being depressed in a day. They are always around. I have a lot in my life that is sad and hard to deal with. I just have my moment and move on to the next thing. Some days are easier and some harder but I just don't stop. At least I'm trying not to. It's hard to manage and pull myself out of a rut. I don't really have any friends so talking to someone or just getting a good laugh from a friend isn't necessarily an option for me. I've always had problems when it comes to my relationships with other people and I know now that it is something I can't keep avoiding and need to put some work into. There are a lot of things I may not be able to control but this is probably one of them. I want to better the way I live for me. I have ruined more relationships than i can count. Well about 5. I'm tired of losing people I love. I don't want it to happen anymore. I'm not sure I can emotionally take being the reason I lose someone I love anymore. I am selfish and as much as I think that I am doing what's best for someone else it honestly is always what I subconsciously feel is best for me. I fall in love too easily. And leave myself open for heartbreak even more easily. I need to spend a while being alone and being single. As much as I would much rather have someone I can depend on no matter what I think this is my main problem. I don't have to face things when I am depending on another person for most of my needs. I can be lazy and slack off. And before I knew it I was in the same damaged spot I had already been in. And the only way out was through my heart. I have a lot of love to give and I hope someday I can give it to the one person I want to. But for now I can only hope. Theres a chance either way. I don't think anyone can know when love will strike or when a relationship will work or won't. I think there is an element of fate in life. And right now I'm putting all of my hope on fate. Because when you love someone the way I love her you basically willing to do anything to make it work. And I'm stepping back and looking at the big picture and how I interact in relationships is just not okay.