Hello, this is me. Take it or leave it. Don't push me around and knock me down.

I always thought once I was done middle school things would be easier. Than I got to high school and altough it was better than my previous experience with public schools it was still not what I quite wanted. People were nicer but I also had to hide a huge part of who I am.

Stage one: Middle School.

When I first started middle school it was supposed to be really awesome finally got to take the bus to school and make real friends that werent all kids who lived in the same neighborhood as you. They had sports teams and lockers and different teachers. It was supposed to be this huge change that would be great. (or so I thought) It was a mini hell like experience. The amount of curse words I learned that first year of middle school is unrealistic. I don't think going through life I have learned a new one yet. There were some cool people along the way I had the same group of friends for all 3 years at that school. And some of whom I still talk to and I am now about to be 23.

Than there was the bullying. It started right when I got to middle school. I grew up with two great parents who didn't care that I wanted to dress like a boy or play in the dirt. I tried to learn how to skateboard and always preferred sneakers and sweats over any sort of tight jeans and carrying a purse. I want to say somewhat my parents knew I was different than all the other girls but I'm not them. I don't know how they thought of me as a child or now, I just know that they never judged. They accepted little Naomi for whatever she wanted to do and who I was. They did their roll as a parent and led me down the path of making the right choices. (for the most part...sorry mom and dad). ANYWAY back to the bullying... I had two main bullies in middle school. As these girls picked on me for what I wore, I grew less confident of dressing how I wanted. After all who wants to wake up and go to school everyday only to be laughed at and called a dike. probably no one. By 7th grade I had already been bullied somewhat for a year, and it didn't let up.. I felt like there was nothing I could do and I turned to what I see now that many young teens turn to. Self mutilation. It wasn't as though I wanted to kill myself but I wanted to feel something other than someones disgust upon who I am. I would cry and cut and cry some more. For me it was never about cutting deep or trying to hit a vein. It was simply a cry for help. (please don't feel like you should have noticed this. as I have always hid things in my life that I don't want people to know.)

How I cured the bully. Something changed me the summer before 8th grade started. The first day of that year I wore tight jeans and carried a purse. I put on my girl close every day for that entire year. I was tired of being bullyed. I joined the soccer team to make some actual friends, and I did. I started really talking about boys and liking boys although I knew that I was more atrracted to girls since I was in 3rd or so grade. This was my way of saying to those bullies you have no reason to pick on me. You won't ever make me scared of coming to school. You wont ever make me fake being sick so I don't have to be picked on again. I was done.

My 8th grade year of middle school was great. I had awesome friends and have great memories with them from that year.

Stage two: High School

When I was a freshmen I had one friend who was openly a lesbian and honestly I couldn't imagine having been at that point. So I dated guys and in the long run I broke someones heart that I wish hadn't happened. In return I got my heart broken by my bestfriend at the time who I had over time developed some feelings for. And to this day I don't know the reason behind her not being my friend one day and never talking to me again. I never told her how I felt or ever indicated otherwise. The only thing I can ever think to make of it all is that she maybe felt the same and it freaked her out so she stopped talking to me. I mean who WANTS to be gay if they can avoid it forever in life. Things are just easier that way.

I played the straight girl roll all through highschool. I never once lead any one to believe otherwise because the bullying would lead to be too much for me to handle mentally.

When i was a senior and about to graduate I met a girl who I thought I could actually have a relationship with. She eventually ended up being my first girlfriend. I'd say I could talk about this relationship but mentally and emotionally I can't begin to explain it. It's over now and I still get feelings once in a while of what if... But those are wasted feelings because what if is long gone on that relationship.
I have been played a fool at this point with her. And I can only honestly wish her the best in life and in love.


Stage three: Life after highschool.

Coming out to your family and friends is never an easy thing. Actually its probably one of those things where you would rather die than do it, but thats not an option so hopefully some way they already know. Which in my case that was the case.

I really am lucky to have the family that I do, and there understanding. It makes my relationships a lot easier knowing that I have their support.

I know there are people out there who don't have that same support on who they love and for those people I only wish that you could feel the love you deserve for being you. There isn't anything wrong with you. Theres something wrong with them. Be happy. Love always. and live in the moments you create with the ones you love because those are the moments that you will be the happiest.


I never thought it was possible to have your heart broken by the same person twice but trust me it is. It completely sucks and I wouldn't wish it for anyone, Ever.


I guess the whole beginning of this post really has no regard to why I wanted to write, but everything just started flowing from my aching heart through my fingers to this post and there you have it.

life just isn't easy, it can be, but the majority of life is through relationships and those are definitely not easy. I think growing up the lack of relationships for me really made me the way I am today. I don't know why but I have never been able to make and keep friends. And I try to assure myself that it isn't entirely on my part. that maybe people are just all messed up like me inside and thats why nothing ever works out the way it should. Maybe. Or maybe im so disturbed and weird that people run off after getting to know me. That I may not ever know. But what I do know is there are some peopl out there who are like me, they dont make real friends easily. Or in my case even acquaintances easily. i don't know what it is and honestly I'm okay with that. All I really ever ask is for a few things in relationships. Not to be lied to. To be honest completely. To be up front. Not to hide anything. To be yourself. (after all I am being me). To always do what makes you happy.

In return i try to give the same in my relationships.


Tonight was rough  for me and now I can sleep a little better because I've gotten even a few things off my chest.