the fall of love and hate.

The fall brings a lot of different feelings for me. It has a lot of beauty surrounding it as all the leaves change to beautiful colors and the weather gets just a little colder. With the temperature dropping colder and colder my heart aches a little more.

 

For some people the fall may be their favorite time of year for others they may hate the turn from summer to cold fall weather. Some people may hate it for what the significance behind fall brings for them, or love it for a different significance. I for one feel both. I love the significance of the weather changing and becoming cold and am excited to experience yet another winter. And I hate the fall because the fall for me last year was sad. How do you bring yourself to realize it is possibly the last fall you will see in your life?

The fall brings a heavy weight on my heart. My nephew turned two and all I knew for sure is that his father ( my brother in-law) would never physically see him celebrate a birthday again. Although I believe in heaven and that he is indeed watching over his family everyday and held a smile on his face when Domani turned two and got Woody from Toy Story and won't let it out of his sight.

Needless to say I have a lot on my mind as the fall continues and I know the winter will bring more to my aching heart as a year ago I lost someone I love.

As October speeds by me and my mind just slowly catches up to where my heart is November will arrive. And Thanksgiving will come soon enough and the only thing I am truly thankful for is being able to spend my last thanksgiving with my brother Joe. For me this day will be harder than the night of his viewing and the day of his funeral. Because for me it was the last time I was able to see him alive. It was a great day as Joe, Anne (my sister and Joe's wife), and little Domani kept it a complete secret that I was coming home to surprise everyone. And with complete success everyone was surprised and together as a family we spent a great day enjoying turkey and cupcakes from Mendoker's that Domani and Catherine literally had all over themselves, the high-chairs, and the floor.

I'm not sure what this Thanksgiving brings or the weeks after it, but I have been emotionally been preparing myself for a while for those moments. I know for my sister Anne, every 5th day of every month since December has been a really hard day. But for me I've been awaiting that one day where I will always know it was the last time I got to see him around all our family. My trip for Thanksgiving was indeed a short one because I only had a short time I could take off of work but I can't imagine if I had not gotten the chance to go. For those of you who don't know my trip was entirely paid for by one of Anne's friends through work. She organizes unions all over and one of her friends realized how important this was for our family to spend Thanksgiving together. And If I hadn't been so lucky to get home the last time I would have saw Joe would have been in the Summer when we took a vacation together as a family down to LBI.

I am greatful to say the least for the way things play out in my life. I don't think I could ask for much more than do be able to still be alive at the end of every day.